Ack, I can’t take it anymore. Why do 70% of the Shiznat authors emphasize those stupid character quirks so much? It’s beyond annoying now. Unique eccentricities for each character are not to be abused. They exist as interim personality traits that give each individual some distinctiveness during the course of a series. They do not exist so people can throw in random humor while striving to hide the fact that they lack the ability to tell a good story.
YES! We all know Natsuki loves mayonnaise, but it is not the only condiment in existence. Maybe she only likes it with ramen, or maybe she needs something to cover up what she considers atrocious flavors. Just stop emphasizing it so much for pete’s sake. She isn’t mayo girl. She has other personality traits. For instance, she has a strong sense of duty. Despite being rough, she is rather shy when it comes to sexuality. Sadly many authors plug her into the “male” role in the relationship where she is sexually aggressive, where the opposite is actually more fitting. Well, maybe she’s more aggressive in bed, but for everything before that she acts like a tsundere character.
Also, why is it that everyone automatically just throws Natsuki into the “I’m totally a man-hating lesbian” role? I once read a fanfic (which I can no longer remember) where Natsuki questions Shizuru’s sexuality. In turn, Shizuru also asked her the same question. Where Natsuki so kindly responded, “I just like you.” This was probably the best explanation of her sexuality possible. Until Shizuru, she simply never thought about it before. Her continual rejection of Takeda was due to her personal belief that she did not have time to care about such meaningless things like love. I think that if she had never become a hime, Natsuki would likely have pursued a socially normal relationship.
Shizuru’s vocabulary does expand beyond the word “Ara”. I once mentioned in a fanfic review that her individual willpower often brushed off to place her into a more feminine role. When confronted with an obstacle, Shizuru isn’t the type to give up or lay down quietly. In the anime she managed to destroy half the school after Natsuki’s initial rejection. While emotionally unstable, Shizuru is persistent and very stubborn. If faced with impossible circumstances, Shizuru is the type to withdraw, plan and strike at the right time.
Another issue I’ve had lately is the recent string of arranged marriage stories. Who the fuck would arrange their daughter with another girl? That is by far one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. If this were a perfect world, then gender wouldn't exist at all and everything would be equal, but it isn’t a perfect world, and as far as I know, science hasn’t found a way for two women to reproduce with each other. Think logically, parents arrange marriages for their children in hopes that the partner will take care of their child and (mainly) produce heirs.
If it were a perfect world, I’d have a job, no money problems, and real writing talent instead of housework, debt and that miserable imitation of what should be short stories.
Stop escaping from reality. Actually, some escape is acceptable, just don’t wander off into Neverland and expect us to take you seriously.
When you do escape from reality, at least write it so
a) We can find it believable
b) It’s well written,
c) We don’t get annoyed
d) All of the above.
I’ve forgotten what else I want to say.
Until next time,
Dragontiger96
Alas I have yet another review for everyone once more.
Note: I don't do this to put down authors or their work. I do it, because I'm bored and I feel it’s therapeutic to have some humor in life.
Title: A New Beggining
Author: archer75
Given Summary: Shizuru has given up everything for her, this time it's her turn. Is Natsuki ready to give up everything for the sake of her love? ShizNat...Rated T for safety
Initial thoughts: Misspelled “Beginning” in the title. I avoided this story for quite some time primarily because of that. Still, the summary is rather good. I’m drawn in right away with its question, “Will Natsuki give up everything for Shizuru?” At the same time I wonder who the antagonist will be.
Chapter 1
From the beginning we can tell the new enemy will be Shizuru’s father. I don’t get it, why is it always the dad who’s the bad guy. I mean, these authors have some serious daddy issues. On the other hand, the father figure is a representation of the patriarchal society such that when we rebel against him, we also rebel against society in general. Of course, being part of the Mai Hime Shiznat fandom involves a hatred of this patriarchal rule that we are all subject to, especially the Judeo-Christian tradition where homosexuality is viewed as an unnatural crime against humanity. If I recall correctly, in many traditional Asian cultures, homosexuality wasn’t a problem as long as the person had legitimate children (or heirs).
Damn it, I’m wandering. Moving on, the first part consists of Shizuru arguing with her father about Natsuki. Daddy forces her to choose between a life of luxury and Natsuki.
Choose…are you going to leave all of this just for that girl?” he calmly looked at her daughter. “All your life you were trained to handle our estate and your just going to give it all up for that good for nothing?”
Naturally Shizuru chooses Natsuki, because she is unhappy with her lifestyle thus far. Fuck, I want to be rich. I’d trade being gay for being rich. Oh damn, I’m not hot enough to be gay.
Anyway, grammatically, archer75 isn’t very bad. There are a few mistakes here and there that even I would likely make in my own work. Interesting choice to use “trained”. I’m overanalyzing, but “training” implies more of an authoritarian rule compared to “teaching” which implies parental guidance or a teacher/student relationship.
But I was never happy.” She cut her father up “all those things you have given me never made me happy it was after I met her that I realized how empty my life was.”
I’m sorry, this sentence tickled me. Right now I’m imagining Shizuru holding a large, bloody butcher knife standing next to the dismembered body of her father while lamenting how unhappy she was with her life.
You ungrateful little-“ he lost it this time he can’t believe that his only daughter ,his only heir would turn her back on her for someone who doesn’t deserve her.
His words imply that he has no problem with her homosexuality, but just hates Natsuki. Perhaps there is something between the lines I’m not picking up.
Now, Shizuru’s father cuts off all her funding and vows to make her life miserable. What surprises me the most is his oath to actively harass his daughter. Ah well, some people are just that spiteful. I suppose a child is an eighteen year investment, so if they fuck up and make that work worthless, it becomes infuriating.
Four months later, Shizuru returns home without any job prospects. Apparently her father is powerful enough to sway anyone from hiring. The couple lives in a small apartment supported solely by Natsuki’s income as a mechanic.
*sigh* I’m sorry my Natsuki for making this hard for you” she took off her shoes and gently arranged her on bed. She took a quick shower and prepared their dinner.
I’m sorry, but this bugs me to no end. Never ever use “*sigh*” in a story. Sighing is an action that people perform. Please recall that this is a story posted on a website, not a chat window where people just make up crap on the fly. In that regard, things like, “lol”, “rofl”, “lmao” etc… should not appear unless one is actually portraying a chat window. Well, some people actually do talk like that now. I get confused, and find it absolutely unacceptable. What’s wrong with actually laughing instead? If anything, when someone actually says the acronym at the end of a joke, it means they didn’t find it funny because they’re not reacting with an uncontrollable laughter.
More romantic stuff follows. Ugh, gushy from the beginning. Yay, fluff! Boo, too quick to be tasteful fluff.
“Hmmmm…has anybody ever tell you that you smell like the sun? Warm and sweet.” Her eyes still close.
I’d think the sun would smell more like burning flesh, because if any of us move close enough our nose would be on fire. I jest, but seriously, the line was rather nice. Hey guys, if you ever want to pick up cute chicks in a bar, this is the line to use.
Natsuki deepened the kiss , thrusting her tongue inside her mouth, tasting every inch of it, it was a long hot kiss that had every part of her trembling for need. When it was over she nipped her lower lip. She catches her breath a little beat before she spoke “Now about dinner” she flash a smile.
My first reaction was, “Too much info!” which quickly became, “cock tease.”
A very large, but easily correctable problem keeps popping out at me here. Please stop switching between past and present tense. Also, don’t leave out the “ed” at the end of words (I really have no idea what specific grammar term is used for that. It has been 7 years since I’ve heard it). What I mean is that last sentence should read more like, “She [caught] her breath, [feeling] a little beat before she spoke, ‘Now about dinner’. She flash[ed] a smile.” The only time I can think of for mixing the tenses is if you truly mean something is happening in real time, like a trait that doesn’t change or something.
The couple argues about whether or not to eat dinner over having sex. Dinner wins (food>sex? o_O).
After dinner, they have sex, and then go to bed. Shizuru contemplates her life. Apparently her previous lifestyle took away her emotions and with Natsuki, she can truly become herself. Now with her true love, Shizuru believes everything will turn out alright.
What can I say? It’s mushy, unrealistic and very typical of a fantasy. Shizuru is literally running away from reality here. Is that true to her characterization? Perhaps it is a little. Shizuru’s reaction to Natsuki’s rejection was rather delusional and very desperate. Though, her reaction was extreme, violent and very authoritative. She did not hide away like some weakling just hoping for everything to be better through the sheer luck of finding a job. No, she went out, killed a bunch of people and totally leveled the school. In nearly every story I come across, she has no willpower of her own. Damn fandom, she needs to stop leveling in charisma and needs to redistribute more points into her willpower stats.
Midori appears and asks where Shizuru is going, to which Shizuru replies:
“Where there’s job…” she didn’t want to sound bitter but it just came out.
Alas, another one of my pet peeves, please don’t leave out “a” in the sentences. It has happened more than once; otherwise I would not have mentioned it.
Midori offer’s Shizuru a job and one of Shizuru’s parents calls Natsuki out.
Chapter 2
This is somewhat boring. The story isn’t bad, but not good enough to keep my attention (which is actually pretty hard to do).
It turns out Shizuru’s mom is the one who visited Natsuki at her workplace. They go out and talk over coffee. Mom questions Shizuru’s feelings, asserts her view of it as a mistake and forces Natsuki to think about her financial capability to the point where she may have to reconsider her relationship with Shizuru. The whole time Natsuki asserts the fact that the couple is truly in love and that is their only source of happiness.
There’s a huge sweat drop on my forehead that no one can see. Over my head is a gigantic thought bubble with three dots inside.
Natsuki returns home. Shizuru confesses that Midori hooked her up with a couple of jobs. Job A is grading papers and such. Job B is waitressing. For some reason, Natsuki overreacts to waitressing. I have no idea why, given that both only have high school educations, it’s pretty much the job to do without too much training required. Wait, I’m wrong, there is always strip dancing and prostitution for women. Yeah, save for trucking and construction, everything else involves training or connections. Even secretaries take typing classes.
“I know but you…your from a well off family being a waitress doesn’t suit you.”
Is that all? What a lame reason to dislike waitressing.
That’s it; I can’t stand reading this anymore. Don’t misunderstand, the story is fine. I’m just tired and the plot has taken off in directions that I have little interest in.
Grammatically it’s 7 out of 10
Plot is 4 out of 10
Oh, one last note Ms. Author. “dint” doesn’t mean what you think it means. There is no word that shortens the word “didn’t” so please stop doing that.
Good news, I've graduated. I'm done with college, or at least my undergraduate years. Now it’s life decisions. Thank you U.S. for making the year I graduate one of the worst years for new graduates looking for work. Alas, there is always the backup plan of graduate school.
Anyway, the reason I returned today was to discuss what really makes a good fanfic. Good grammar isn’t it. No doubt, proper grammar certainly helps a great deal, but there are many fanfics with proper grammar that aren’t really that good. Recently I’ve been diving into Mai Hime, Claymore, and Black Lagoon archives, only to find that both Claymore and Black Lagoon don’t update often and Mai Hime fics are now far more about being lesbian than being good.
Admittedly, I only read one fic from Claymore known as Life Sucks!, which successfully puts humor into the story without relying on ridiculous gags. Sadly, since so many of the authors in the anime/manga section they rely on visual gags, which are far less funny if described in words instead of shown in a picture. A lesson to learn from Life Sucks! by Useful Oxymoron, use irony and wit, not manga sweatdrops in a fanfic (please note that humor is not limited to irony and wit, as various other forms of satire are quite funny).
I only read Black Lagoon, because the struggle of an evil protagonist intrigues me. I only really pay attention to Just Another Soul’s work, but there are a few other fanfics that are quite good. There was one entertaining piece that paired Mr. Chang with Balalaika.
Finally, what makes a good Mai Hime fanfic. Well, we all know and love shiznat fanfiction, but come on, that’s not enough. Good fics have a compelling storyline where there aren’t too many convenient coincidences. Suddenly falling in love within two paragraphs is annoying, unless it’s love at first site. It’s something I greatly dislike, but also use due to a serious lack of skill in the poetic arts. In essence, only use it when you know you suck. Mutual love at first site is stupid (humor fics can get away with it, ex. phantom.ryder’s An Heir’s Responsibility). Going from hate to love in two paragraphs is too sudden for the reader. There is nothing wrong with going from hate, to tolerable, to more tolerable, to maybe there is an attraction.
There really is an important ratio between dialogue and description. I normally say it should be 1:3 sentences minimum. If someone needs to explain everything in a paragraph long phrase, it’s too long. It’s really important to scatter these descriptions between the talking; otherwise we’ll just end up with high concentrations in areas that make it feel disproportioned. Having images outside of a character’s mouth really helps the story.
Rant’s for all those who’ll hear:
For all you authors who keep using “Ara”, stop it. I’m not saying don’t use the word at all, but hold back. Vary the vocabulary, use “my my”, “oh”, or even the most dreaded, “oh my”. There is nothing wrong with using English equivalents if you can think of one. Natsuki can be called something other than “wolf pup”. When Nao hates Natsuki and wants to insult her, “cute wolf puppy” would be weird. “Mutt”, on the other hand, would be the dog equivalent of a bastard. There is always “bitch” but it’s almost always used in bad taste. My policy is to avoid it. By the way, snappy comebacks like, “well, I’m not a (insert object here)” etc. make both the character and author sound like a bratty teenager. Only use it when the character is supposed to be a bratty teenager – example, Mashiro-hime in the early Mai Otome series when arguing with Arika.
Reito and Nagi are not punching bags. I feel so bad for the two. Reito’s inner struggle was actually quite depressing during the anime, but it’s only apparent if you’ve watched the extras. If anything, I like his characterization in Lestaki’s Windows of the Soul best. Nagi depends on which series you take him from, Otome or Hime. In Hime he was a mischievous jester who served a master in order to mediate the future. In Otome he was an evil mastermind whose purpose no one could grasp. His Otome personality is often interpreted to be just evil, but that’s boring. He reminds me of Batman’s Joker, always with a stupid grin on his face. Still, Nagi’s character is far too underutilized as anything besides complete bastard villain.
Actually all the male characters are generally hated in the Mai Hime/Otome realm. Takeda is somewhat dense, but he isn’t that stupid. Poor buggar is picked on so much. He has the honorable samurai personality; do you all think he’d sink so low as to become the mastermind of Natsuki’s demise if he’s rejected? Well, a lot of authors do for some reason. Poor Tate, he’s a whiny, indecisive bastard who often becomes the cheating bad guy. Give him credit; at least he tried to stay loyal to Shiho even though he didn’t feel anything for her.
Cursing, oh damn the questionable topic. Curse conservatively. It works great in the speech of certain characters, but does not work well when it is used too much. I find it works well on characters that can see the dark side of life. If they are fundamentally good but their views have been twisted by the world. The sadness, desperation and longing these characters exhibit force them to vent in various ways which includes saying “fuck” and “damn it”.
Physical appearance isn’t everything. Attraction is not equivalent to love. So when I see “Natsuki noticed the beautiful curvy arms, and the long wavy blonde hair,” then “she would love Shizuru for all eternity,” it strikes me as really bad.
It’s all I can think of right now. Until next time,
Dragontiger96
First up is Immaculate (a Black Lagoon Fanfic), by Just Another Soul
I hope this works out as a good "sorry I've been too busy to visit" type apology. Seriously, if you want to read good fics, these are it.
Once again I have returned to entertain myself with a fanfic. Not like anyone bothers to read this journal anyway.
Note: I don't do this to put down authors or their work. I do it, because I'm bored and I feel it’s therapeutic to have some humor in life.
Today we present the fanfic You are the Music by Duran0800.
Purpose for reading: I was in a good mood so thought a few jokes would make my day.
Given Summary: Natsuki Kuga is a music student at Fukka Academy. There she slowly starts to trust again through the friends she makes. And will deeper feelings start to grow between her and the Shizuru Fujino. –Shiznat- AU
First Impression: Great start, its awkward sounding, but gives us a great idea of what to expect. Have you tried to pronounce "Fukka" (Fŭk-kă) in real life? I think you should give it a try in front of a crowd of conservative Mormons, and see their reactions.
I know for sure this girl is a young writer. I assume it’s a girl, because the majority of fanfiction writers are; there really is no point in using "he" if it is usually a "she". Anyway, she states she's fourteen-years-old in her biography. Still, she seems to be a decent writer for her age. It's not like I was expecting something on the level of Pride and Prejudice or a Shakespearean sonnet (Hell, I can't do that shit, why should I expect anyone else to).
First Chapter: It's decent enough to keep me reading to the next chapter. Mainly grammar errors here and there, nothing huge. I feel that this story is going to be developed well and our author will improve her writing skills with time and experience.
"A light breeze swept through the grounds of Fukka Academy. Fukka Academy is a large music academy and extremely hard to get accepted to. They only take the top five percent of all the musical auditions that they receive. The breeze carries the light notes of an acoustic guitar into the air. Producing these sweet notes was a girl. The girl had long flowing blue hair. Her back was pressed up against her Ducati 999R, eyes closed absorbing the sound. Suddenly a bell rang, causing the girls eyes to snap open reveling deep emerald eyes."
Please stop misspelling Fuuka. I thought this was a little awkward, after two sentences about Fuuka; she suddenly jumps back to describing the breeze. It's like if I decided to rant on and on about beer then suddenly mention that lemons were good in pie.
I thought, "...eyes closed absorbing the sound." was an excellent description, made me really feel the imaginary music. There really is no need for all those short sentences; they make the story sound a bit choppy.
"Why on earth do they have to make the god damn building lay out so confusing!? I’m going to be late. As if I care though, being late means less time stuck here in these boring classes. The only reason I go here is to put that scholarship money to good use…"
Natsuki decides to muse to herself; perhaps her time would be better used at reading a campus map. Apparently she's super talented to get scholarship money from a school that only accepts the top 5% of applicants. Damn I wish my school were so generous.
"Yeah right you’ve got the musical talent of an elephant, and you’ve probably been pulling that I’m seventeen crap for forty years!"
Come now, didn't she state that the teacher was young looking? Oh well, don't mock elephants, they have quite a bit of musical talent. If I had to guess, Midori would go great with a sousaphone.
"'No, not that. It looks really neat. I can’t read music.' Nastuki stated simply."
Wait, what? She knew about transposing music and everything. If she can't read music how did she end up in a music school at all anyway? I guess she utterly failed in the sight reading portion of the entrance exam. I do know there are talented people out there who can't read a lick of music, but for sure they either learn at one point in time or probably never enter a musical school if they never learn.
"'Yes! That’s crazy! You’re crazy! Crazy good!' Mai said in awe."
No it's not, more like miraculously bad with amazing luck.
"Natsuki scoffed. 'I could be better though, lots of things to work on.'"
Yeah, like learning to read music.
End chapter 1 comments
Second Chapter: It's a good chapter. The only problems seem to arise from using the wrong words.
"Natsuki screamed and sat blot up right in bed. Another nightmare. About that night. Natsuki was covered in a thick layer of sweet."
I'm glad Natsuki is so tasty after waking from a nightmare; I'm sure Shizuru would encourage such behavior from now on. "Another nightmare. About that night" are not sentences.
"The car plummeted into the icy cold water and claimed the lives of her mother and her dog."
Aww, not the doggy too!
"She became withdrawn from people and was scarred of them."
That’s funny, she doesn't seem too scared of people, more like spiteful.
"It explained where her mother had been born and her high school status. Her mother had been a successful scientist for a company called the First District. Natsuki read on. The bio contained information about her mother’s successful experiments and then ended. Natsuki sighed it was the end of file....
Natsuki didn’t understand all the numbers and big words but she did understand the EIGHT words that broke her trust to all other humans. Test subject Kuga, Natsuki. Test Results Inconclusive. Kuga, Natsuki must be taken to the high quarantine First District Laboratories in Tokyo, Japan by August 5th 1996."
Wait, she didn't understand large words yet understood "Inconclusive" and "quarantine"? Why the hell would this stuff be in her mother's biography anyway? No one records illegal activities such as experimenting on a child in a public file, that's just dumb.
"She promised to never trust another human being again."
Well, she sure wasn't dedicated since Mai only had to talk for two paragraphs to convince her otherwise.
End chapter 2 comments
Third Chapter: I like Nao.
We start out with Natsuki nearly running over Nao which starts an argument.
"'You even hurt me? Good one you blue haired wolf pup!' The girl [Nao] spat back."
Blue-haired wolf-pup huh? Wow Nao is descriptive when she talks. Imagine her pillow talk with Reito, "That was awesome you deeply disturbed, dark haired, metrosexual, and possibly incestuous man."
"'You’re a loner are you not?' The red head shot Natsuki a wicked grin."
Amazing, she got that from five lines of conversation, talk about perceptive.
"She ate in relative peace and enjoyed her mayo sandwich."
Everyone always emphasizes her obsession with mayo. It reminds me of my best friend’s obsession with chocolate. She likes to put it in her pancakes, or more accurately, she likes to have pancake covered chocolate.
"When she got there the building lay out was just as confusing as the schools to Natsuki and she easily got lost."
It's actually pretty hard to get lost in a building, unless, of course, Natsuki is a female version of Ryoga from Ranma 1/2.
"'No, only one person groans like that. It’s my dorm pattern. Mikoto.' Mai replied. A first year girl with spiky black hair entered the room."
Hmm, I'm trying to imagine Mikoto as some sort of wallpaper pattern; thus far I've come up with kitties and balloons.
"She still kept people she didn’t know at a very cold distance."
Yes there is a huge bridge of ice between her and anyone she didn't know.
"Soon the summer weather left the season turning in to fall. Maybe would hit Natsuki Kuga in ways she never expected."
Autumn and Natsuki had a smack down and Fall came out on top!
End Chapter 3 comments
Fourth Chapter: We're introduced to Shizuru and here comes the Shiznat for fans who need their fix. For the most part this chapter is filled with amazing descriptions.
"Causing the trees to burst out bright oranges and reds, as the tress prepared them self’s for the coming winter. "
Not a complete sentence, but an excellent details nonetheless. One more thing, "themselves" is one word. Apparently it is a vulgar form of English, but if you must use it, spell it correctly. Maybe it's different between countries...
"Natsuki reached the top of the ladder and hauled her self and her guitar case on to the roof."
Next time she should haul up a thirty soda cans and mayonnaise, it'd be the perfect picnic.
"Some how Natsuki was intrigued by the girl and her normal tone and displacement towards other people was replaced by only politeness."
That's awesome, next time I don't like someone I'll just displace myself to New York.
"And that she and Shizuru had played some pretty damn good music today."
Good music today, marriage tomorrow and children the day after, damn that Kuga moves fast.
6/10 stars
Update: It seems that the fanfic is no longer posted. I'm extremely disappointed since it was a good fanfic. I do hope I did not discourage her from continuing it.
Oh, and I feel I should mention that I don't do this to make fun of authors or their work. I do it, because I'm bored and I feel its therapeutic to have some humor in life.
The Mechanic and the Business Woman by firelarc
Given Summary: This is a ShizuruXNatsuki AKA Shianat fanific.Yuri If you dont like yuri dont read. Rated M for later chapters. Natsuki is a mechanic who meets a stranger in a bar. who might this be and what does this mean for Natsuki? Read and Reveiw. Im new at this.
Purpose for Reading: I wasn't originally going to read this, but since I've pretty much caught up on most of the recent Mai Hime fics that had good summaries or many reviews (except for Windows of the Soul by Lestaki). However, since I was rather bored and couldn't find any more fics in my normal hunting grounds I decided that trying out a first timer wouldn't be so bad.
First Impressions: Based off the summary, the author is totally inexperienced (it does say "I'm new at this"). She states the main couple twice and misspells the common contraction, which leads me to believe that she's careless or new to the specific fandom. I would be somewhat disappointed if she didn't normally read Shiznat fanfics if she wrote one.
I can't tell why she felt it necessary to mention the rating, perhaps some authors feel it’s important to warn readers, though it is a common trait among younger writers.
Finally, the actual summary that details the plot is actually rather good. It presents an interesting situation that leaves you wondering what could happen.
First Chapter: In the first paragraph we get a common spelling mix up between "there" and "their" obviously the girl probably just graduated middle school or is in early high school. Ah well, age matters little; grammar skills can improve with time.
Moving on, this was an interesting excerpt,
"On this particular day she was working on Noa’s bike. It was a black with Ferrari red flames on the side."
I'd like to know what the hell a "Ferrari red flame" is because last time I checked; a Ferrari was a really expensive car. Oh, and apparently (based on the reviews) Noa actually refers to the character Nao. The mistake is understandable though, this author did not bother editing the story and so any typing errors due to muscle reflex were missed.
We're only two paragraphs in...
THIRD PARAGRAPH!
"She wore a grey jump suite with a name tag as part of her job uniform as a mechanic. She wore a cap with the emblem of a local soccer team that Mikoto played on. At the moment she had oil stains all over her face. It made her look ever more masculine."
Well, I've already established that our author hasn't quite worked out the kinks when it comes to using correct spellings between similar words. The first two sentences could've been combined nicely to be something like, "She wore a gray jump suit with a name tag and a cap that had the emblem of the local soccer team Mikoto played on." I'm sure there are many variations that work. In any case, most importantly, in the yuri fandom, are you sure that having lots of oil stains on her face to look more masculine is really a good thing?
"Natsuki couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the woman’s shiny copper hair was."
Yeah, but would it make a good disco ball.
"She headed to the bathroom to change because there was no female locker room. She didn’t mind though. I mean it was to be expected since she was the only female there."
You mean what? New lesson, random self inserts are really stupid. A mechanics shop having a locker room at all is odd, but hey, I'm not here to pick on having realistic details.
"Natsuki headed out, putting on her leather gloves, leather jacket and the best helmet money she could buy. Natsuki drove out to the bar owned by Mai and Noa where all of them hanged out. When she got there she parked her bike in her usual place. When she got to the front she was greeted by Mikoto. She was the bouncer there of course."
So at the bar did they swing around in mid air with nooses around their necks? "Best helmet she could buy" or "best helmet money could buy" I dunno, one implies she's poor, the other, rich and more importantly, are there cool Ferrari flames on it? I have to admit, imagining Mikoto as a bouncer did tickle me to no end.
"Natsuki got the usual. It contained vodka, tequila, beer and mango. It actually tasted pretty good."
Why would she regularly buy a drink that didn't taste good to her? It does sound quite horrific though, but I'm hardly an expert on alcoholic beverages.
"After about 3 rounds of pool with Noa and some guys, Natsuki heard some sounds of an argument that seemed to be escalating. She went to check it out. Turns out it was Shio’s boyfriend [Tate]. He was harassing a woman at the bar. He was not being over the top but just enough to get the woman to push her stool a little away."
Why does everyone like to pick on Tate? Sure he can be rather annoying at times, but seriously the guy doesn't deserve all this bashing! This is why people think yuri authors are all man-haters. He remained quite noble throughout the series, trying to stick with what was right.
"She ended up kicking him in the critch."
That must be the place between the crotch and a stitch. It varies depending on where the stitches are located.
"What made it really weird was she usually dreamed of screwing a woman and not just hangin out. That is also another reason she went to Mai’s bar. She didn’t go home with women every night but she sure want celibate. It was like she was looking for something"
Well, that really is too much info, though it's good to know that Mai works at a gay bar...I think. I'm a little confused, basically Natsuki dreams about having sex with women. She visits Mai's gay bar because of those dreams, but doesn't go home every night with a women. At the same time she isn't celibate because...well it doesn't really state anything about that. She is also searching for something. I wonder if firelarc meant something along the lines of "She usually dreamed about hot steamy lesbian sex, so often visited the bar to pick up chicks. Some nights Natsuki chose not to bring a girl home; she didn't know why. It was as if she was looking for something more than simple sex."
End chapter 1 comments
Second Chapter: Most of the issues come from lack of editing. Funny words are inserted here and there and somehow if you're really oblivious you can correct the mistakes with your mind. Note that this was a really short chapter compared to the first. Unfortunately I can't find much to make my commentary humorous.
"The one day she actually has partially a day of is the one day she forgets to close the blinds. For that reason Natsuki is rudely awakened by the evil sun rays who shoot through her bedroom window just after she had fallen asleep."
Well I'd imagine it'd be pretty normal to forget your blinds existed if you woke up before dawn all the time, oh well. Why is it all in present tense anyway? It makes an awful method to tell a story.
"Knowing this was a loosing battle Natsuki chose to surrender and get dressed saying all the while You’ve won this round but you’ve not won the match. This definitely was a bad way to start the day off. The alarm clock chose this moment of frustration to blow that annoying tune."
I don't understand, how could the sun lose? I mean, all it's going to do is rise and set in a continuous cycle regardless of your wishes. I'd say that the match was over before Natsuki was born. Plus, if the alarm clock was going to go off anyway, wouldn't she be awake regardless if the blinds were closed?
"Suddenly an idea why not call Mikoto’s brother what to get. Reitsu it was."
Umm, bad wording and his name is Reito. I wonder if the author has ever actually watched Mai Hime at all. I mean, nowhere in the entire thing do they pronounce his name as Reitsu. I wonder if he’s gay in this fic. I’ve read one where he had a huge crush on Tate and that was very funny.
End chapter 2 comments
Third Chapter: Impressions, nothing has been done to improve the grammar.
"Tate notices the quizzical look on Natsuki’s face and heads over there. 'You havin’ any trouble' 'Na It’s just I’m looking for the right one. You know how Mai is.' LDefinetly. Don’t forget, I used to go out with her. That is until she found Mikoto.' Mockingly Natsuki says 'Poor Poor Tate.' 'Ah whatever. Come see me when you get what you’re looking for.' And then headed back to the desk."
More on the present tense; it’s really annoying. Has no one commented on proper ways to present a conversation? Let me give a hint, it involves separating the dialogue into paragraphs and has commas and periods.
Ah yes, did Tate already forget about how she almost took away his ability to have children the night before? Perhaps he was so drunk that he mistook his attacker for a bird.
I often have trouble seeing Mikoto paired up with Mai. She’s too similar to a child, so every time I read about it, it makes me see Mai as a pedophile. Some authors can make it more believable than others.
“In high school Nao was labled as the ‘balck widow’. It suited her at the time. She was vindictive and had the habit of tieing up perverted men and beating them up until they were uncouncious.”
Wait, why wasn’t Nao arrested for this? You’d think that she would have been caught since she was known for beating the crap out of grown men. I bet they didn’t want to press charges, because she was just too cute.
“Rejection had a way of riping a person;s heart and soul to smithereens. A miment in time can destroy someone.”
Here we all thought that Natsuki didn’t know Shizuru, but apparently she did and simply couldn’t remember. It’s alright though because Shizuru was kind enough to ripen Natzuki’s heart somehow. Now we learn why her heart was so ripe in a lovely flashback.
“Upon reaching the source of the strange sound she found the most horrific scene unfold before her very eyes.”
Did she happen upon a dismembered body? Wait; there were sounds so that means she found a person covered in blood from a dismembered body. No! It must be that she found rabid teletubbies in a feeding frenzy.
“It would haunt her for the rest of her life. In that moment she cracked. Her soul and hear were ripped in half.”
Yeah, rabid teletubbies would scar me for life too.
“What she saw was the love of her life making love to another. Her worlf came crashing down that day.She was going to profess her love that day. She had never been one for sentiment but she had actually sold some of her stuff to buy a necklace for her for the occasion.”
Damn, that was anti-climatic; I was truly looking forward to something rather gruesome. Why is Kaichou-san fucking in the middle of the garden? People are odd. Yay, the awkwardly romantic Natsuki makes an appearance. I’m guessing Natsuki didn’t actually want to buy that necklace for herself, although it is a good way to reward oneself.
“A pain in her chest seemed to destroy her from the inside. The rain deluded her tears. She blocked out the name she no longer placed for the pain was too great.”
The rain was deluding her tears. I believe the individual drops decided that it would be fun to play pranks on each other. The last sentence is just confusing. I believe it means something along the lines of the pain was so great that she selectively forgot the name of her greatest love.
End chapter 3 comments
Fourth Chapter: What can I say, it’s more of the same so I won’t even bother with a detailed report. Seriously, reviewing is a very tiring process.
All in all, the fanfic isn’t particularly atrocious. It was interesting enough for me to read it and actually finish this long useless review. Sure it’s not the greatest, but it’s not like I’m the best writer either.
Current Score 4/10 stars.
Ah, where was I, yes, the difference between high school students and college students (note that this does not apply to everyone).
Well, I've noticed that high school kids tend to concentrate on trendy things.
My current obsession with Mai Hime fanfics has led me to find a few such fanfics. I don't know, for some reason there is a greater percentage of college level writers in the yuri fandom compared to the other fandoms out there. This saves me time since I don't have to single handedly sort through ten stories of crap before finding anything, and often the younger writers are quite talented even with the "trendy" aspects of their stories. Oddly enough, about 99.9% of all yuri writers are female, though I accept that about 90% of fanfic writers in general are female. I recall this may have something to do with how women are encouraged to be more social and talkative and men encouraged to be more active.
In any case I'm getting off topic again. The Mai Hime fanfic The Bartender is a great example of trendy description. In this case I mean "trendy" as in the way the author likes to concentrate on what a character is wearing. Now don't misunderstand, it is a good fanfic and I do enjoy it to a level, but at one point in time I get tired of reading about a super rushed romance where nearly all the romantic scenes focus on clothing or lack thereof.
Sometimes you can point out a high school student based on the type of things they choose to focus on. For example, Forecast another from the Mai Hime fandom tends to point out specific types of shoes. Even in the beginning the author pointed out the specific Cell phone model the character uses. Personally I didn't really care and found it very useless info, but it's not like it detracted from the story at all. The author, 0znaomix0, does not state whether or not she's in high school, and maybe she isn't anymore, but she definitely was around the time the first and second chapter were written.
Naturally this does not take into account the transition period I imagine many writers have when they move from high school to college.
College aged writers often tend to concentrate on hair or personality aspects. Its not always true though since they do vary a great amount, not always positively either. Sometimes I find that many writers tend to absorb the writing style of a popular author. I myself have picked up A Farewell to Arms, Beloved and The Count of Monte Cristo. I assume this tends to happen after you learn a little about analyzing essays.
I've noticed the writer Tsuyazakura Kouyuki tends to refer to people by age and hair. Nonetheless he is a brilliant writer who never disappoints.
Alas, I need to comment on junior high writers. Aside from the fact that most simply suck, they tend to concentrate on unrealistic ideals or situations. It's not really the fact that they haven't experienced enough of real life yet (or in better terms, disappointment in life), but just that they seem to hold some hope in becoming something special. One thing thats interesting is that middle school kids love to have their fics take place when the characters are teenagers in high school. The stories often mention things like IPODs and use a heavy amount of slang on top of cursing when it really isn't necessary. Half the time the tense is all mixed up and goes through past, present and future in less than a paragraph. I feel I shouldn't shun them all together because these kids often do have really interesting plot concepts and I really enjoy the idea behind their stories despite feeling I could do a better job. It's not as if I was better at their age anyway (Oh God you should see the shit I used to put out).
Anyway, thats my rant for today.
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
dragontiger96- dragontiger96
Syndicate
